My aunt has cancer from her belly button to her heart. It is in 2 chambers. She will die one way or another. My sister yelled at me for crying. My mother is being unusually kind and my wife is working late again. I am angry. My aunt is the political genius that helped bring me to this place. When I told her I may be being considered for an advisory board position on global women's issues within Secretary Clinton's domain she said she was going to make a big sign and put it in her window that says Missy B. is my niece. My heart is ripping out and I am devastated and all I want to do is call my sister and I can't. So here I am drinking a beer, trying to force food into my stomach while not throwing up blogging about one of the most fucked up things that could have happened to me today. I think I shall email Eleanor Roosevelt's grandson about going to lunch. We met by phone this week. Perhaps I shall email him and I will feel better. (08/12/2009)

This is the speech that I gave yesterday at the Utah Pride Opening Ceremonies:

First they came for the women but I said nothing because I wasn't a woman. Then they came for the queers but I said nothing because I wasn't queer. Then they came for me and there was no one left to stand up.

As I have been thinking about what to say today, the word apathetic has been on my mind. I am no longer familiar with apathy like I was then.

When you ask?

Before. When I hated myself. When I would cry quietly on my bed and I was silently screaming on the inside. You know what it is like, you don't know what is wrong, you can't quite put your finger on it, you wish you could describe what is inside of you. What would happen if you gave it a voice? Sometimes, if you stop and sit silent enough you might decide to quit trying to tell yourself to shut up then that thing inside of you says "BOO" and you spend so much time trying to silence it you feel like pulling your insides out. Complacency. Stop. Would you please just shut up?

Faggot
Dyke
Homo

Shut up.

Then you decide that apathy is a passive form of acceptance. You didn't have to engage in that old adage of "coming out of the closet." You accepted that you are different but you weren't ready to go there, no way, what would your parents say, your clergy, your best friend in the whole world? If you remain complacent, no one will be the wiser and you will be okay, because you are doing what you are supposed to be doing.

Mommy's little girl.
Daddy's perfect boy.

Um, hello, but excuse me I am NOT any of those things. I am totally silent.

If I could talk to you I would tell you that mommy's little girl would rather: play sports, build things, get dirty, trade baseball cards, cut of all my hair, roughhouse with the neighborhood boys.

If I could talk to you I would tell you that I am not daddy's perfect boy: I want to wear pretty clothes, dress my sister's barbies in a million different well accessorized outfits, put on mommy's lip stick, NOT roughhouse with the neighborhood boys.

If I could talk to you I would tell you that mommy's little girl is totally your dress wearin', pigtail havin', girly girl except for that one thing.

If I could talk to you I would tell you that daddy's perfect boy is totally your sports playin', football lovin', boy of all boys except for that one thing.

BUT WE CAN'T BECAUSE WE ARE APATHETIC AND THAT COMPLACENCY IS EATING AT US FROM THE INSIDE.

And so we remain silent until this one day...

Do you remember that one day? I remember it like it was yesterday. I think that people that AREN'T queer think it goes something like this: Yawn. Stretch. Sit up in bed on a beautiful sunny day. Hmmm...yep, I think today I am going to be a lesbian. Ohh, and maybe I will be a feminist lesbian. Yep. Today is the day. I think that queer people KNOW that it goes something like this: Yawn. UHHHGH. Do I have to get up again? Yes, yes you do but today is different. No more hating yourself for who you are. No more forced, deafening apathy. Didn't I just read that, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent?" Well, I am done giving consent. I am done hating myself. I am done with it all...and so, you begin planning.

Who do you tell first? How do you decide to get active and involved? So you pick the person you trust more than any other human soul on the planet. And you agonize and think you may scream and scream and totally freak out before you tell them. And so you break your silence and they inevitably say something really kind, because you knew they would, like DUH! Um, not really the reaction I was looking for, what you knew? DUH. How did you know? ARE YOU KIDDING? And then they list off all of your stereotypically "homosexual" tendencies and you go, DUH! And they say how can I help?

But what if it doesn't go that way? What if you decided to break your silence and you got beaten or killed? What if that person that you trusted more than any other human soul on the planet looked at you in the eye and told you that you were going to hell, you were dirty, you were bad and that they didn't want to know you anymore even though they had known you forever.

This is where what I will call selective apathy comes in, some people know, some people don't and all this time there is still something gnawing at you, something in the pit of your insides that you just can't come to grips with and even though you are sort of "out" to some people, you are still not quite yourself because you still have something to keep inside from others. The greatest form of self-preservation--not telling people you are gay. Not engaging in the women's movement, the environmental movement, the equal rights for all regardless of your citizenship status movement. All the while hoping that someone else will do it for you.

Our silence is deafening and it is time for us to start talking and being involved and standing up for everyone no matter their gender because THEY are starting to realize that there are more of us than they think and we are not going to be afraid anymore. We hear all the time about finding our allies. When will you stand up and become an ally in the movement towards justice for all?

This weekend is about remembering those who have been silenced by oppression and death. It is about remembering that you can't HATE someone you know. It is about being political or not, being vocal or not, being an ally or not. It is about knowing that you no longer have to feel silenced by harrassment, prejudice, discrimination, or fear.

The women's movement, the queer movement, the environmental movement, all movements are in place to mobilize us like a mosaic. Each of us puts in one little stone and then you get a great piece of art at the end.

Don't agonize, organize. Find your fire, support women in their fight for justice and equality. Stand up for what you believe in. Remember that "cautious careful people always casting about to preserve their reputation or social standing, never can bring about a reform."

Thank you for being brave enough and valiant enough to be you. Thank you for being born just the way you are. Remember that you are done giving consent and while our struggle is not over, we are done being inferior, and we must work together because, like they used to say, "We're here, we're queer, get used to it!" (06/07/2009)

My 59 year old godmother is living with us. I only do this because it is the right thing to do and I pray to god that Lili will do it for me and Laur someday. She probably has dementia. Did I mention that she is 59 years old? I am sort of becoming some sort of a disaster but not because of her. Well kind of because of her but more because of the wonderful health care system we have in place to "take care" of our baby boomers. Well, see, here is the thing. She is homeless, uninsured, and unemployed. She has some sort of riteous brain damage so she forgets to fill out her medicaid forms so she has been denied numerous times. Oh so I helped her this last time...can I just say that the medicaid forms are more difficult than my thesis for graduate school and I am one smart cookie. Anyhow, that was fun. I had to call my mom and have her stay here while I saved my marriage while camping in the Swell. She will never live alone again. She is losing her mind. Her friend Donnie is a c-word. You know, I was really just hoping that after she got some rest and felt safe she would come back. She isn't coming back. She is gone. She took Lauren's clothes out of her closet and ironed them all without asking if she could go in our room. She eats 2 boxes of Altoids a day. She only eats kettle corn popcorn-and she hates the "healthy kind". She is gone. She used to be a bohemian mama, an eccentric diva, the woman you could go to with the worlds biggest problem and she would solve them for you. She is gone. She cries all the time. She doesn't sleep regularly. She has high blood pressure and anemia. Did I mention that she is only 59 years old? There is nowhere to put her. There is nowhere for her to go. And so here I am trying to explain to my wife why we have to keep her. Because if we were any other culture but the fucking white-upper middle class white kids this wouldn't even be a question and here I am justifying taking care of someone who has always taken care of me. Our system is fucked. I only hope that I have enough years left in my lifetime to try and fix it. Wanna drink anyone? (06/03/2009)

Speaking of rednecks, one of my students for my Marriage and Divorce class turned this paper in and I just had to share it with everyone. (5/13/2009)

I must give tribute to Christy J.

IN ORDER TO HAVE A REDNECK WEDDING YOU MUST ADHERE TO THE FOLLOWING GUIDELINES

The Ceremony

You can not walk down the aisle. You have to either ride on some sort of an ATV, big truck or a tractor. You must also exit in one of these vehicles. Walking is for pussies.   The most important aspect of the ceremony is that it includes mud. You can; run in it, drive in it or wrestle it in, but you must have it. Another thing that is some what optional but looked highly upon is incorporating the confederate flag into the wedding. You should have confederate flag; napkins, paper plates, and at least fifty flags around the buffet table.   You can also take horse droppings and paint them red like roses if you would like, no one will look down on you. Last but not least you need everyone to sit on bails of hay. Chairs are overrated.

The Food

            Your cake should be home made. You can use your children's toys or you can use paper plates stacked on one another with Ho-Ho's, Ding-Dongs and Twinkies. If you would like to really impress your guests you should make your cake into some kind of road kill. It should have red cake inside too so that it looks like you have blood inside. That really makes people hungry. If you are able to acquire frogs, this will be a party favorite. Frogs are a delicacy and should not be taken lightly. Consider yourself a master chef if you can produce dozens of cooked frog legs.

The Gifts

            You could dig a rocking horse out of the trash can and give it to your lovely bride. You shouldn't wash it however because this will ruin the intent. It is very important to think of the worst possible gift times it by ten and then give it to your significant other. A blow-up doll is always appreciated. You could also go with the ever popular gun safe without the keys. Which ever you choose, it must be from Wal-Mart I mean the heart.

The People

            In order to have a redneck wedding you must not have any of the following; and education, money, class, and teeth. These things are as useless and shirts. (Because you don't wear those either) You must be able to hold your own in a burping/farting contest and the louder you speak the more people will respect you.  

The Clothes

            You most definitely do not need to worry about the perfect dress/tux. It is a prerequisite that your wedding dress has some kind of camouflage integrated into it; whether it is a full on hunting outfit or just a veil, it's required. If you are a man clothing above the waist is simply optional. Showing off your farmers tan and beer belly will show all the other ladies in town just what they are missing. Your best men could also wear shirts that say asshole 1 and asshole 2. That way you can keep them apart from all the other assholes you call friends.

so i am sitting in the MRI place where my godmother is getting ready to get her MRI and i am minding my business and grading papers and getting ready to make some phone calls and this couple comes in...he has on a CAT tractor hat and you can see the round outline of his SKOAL can in his back pocket and she is wearing a rodeo t-shirt and some really fantastic Wrangler jeans and they are sitting down making fun of the super cute homo who works at the front desk and then i overhear this:

Him-"Sportsman's Warehouse."
Her- "In Sandy?"
Him-"Yep, i hear they have cute baby things."
Her-"I want a camo crib set, you think they have that?"
Him-"Yep, and I want the antler mobile."

yes folks, they were as serious as a heart attack...and i had to leave because i started laughing out loud...(05/12/2009)

three gin and frescas later and i still feel like throwing up all over myself. thanks for the gin and fresca recipe maryann and stacy...it isn't helping...apparently according to some, if i was lobbying back in the day for the civil rights movement, "rosa parks would have died in the back of the bus" that makes me feel pretty good considering i thought we were doing quite well as an organization. well thank you very much mr. man. oh did i mention that it was a man that said that? oh so glad you have a penis so you can tell my uterus what to do...good for you shit ass...thank you for making me feel oh...about this big...little...tiny...shitty...thank you...wait, wasn't i feeling like a half way decent, talented lobbyist? wasn't i feeling like i was doing an a-o-k job ensuring that if lili was ever raped she would get access to emergengy contraception? wasn't i a good person who was giving back to my community and trying to leave it in a better place? wasn't i that person and weren't you supposed to trust in that process? that i wasn't doing this just because i thought it was a good idea but also because it will help all of us in the end? wasn't it me who has the AG eating out of the palm of her hand? wasn't it me who get's told by conservative legislators that i am the best lobbyist they have ever worked with? wasn't that me? apparently not...apparently rosa parks would have died in the back of the bus...because i am worthless...bad at my job...not doing what i should be doing because apparently i could be doing so much more...if winning isn't enough, what is? (04/25/09)

It is hard to keep up with a blog when your wife introduces you to Facebook.   Seriously, that is the world's most brilliant time waster ever.   Which West Wing character are you?   Which Muppet are you?   Which Star Wars character are you?   This is amazing.   And then you realize that for months and months and months you have completely neglected your blog audience, which makes you feel bad and makes you wonder what you should write about.

So, I am writing about Facebook because it has become my obsession but then I think, how boring, who wants to hear about that?   So the I visit my blog because hey, I haven't been here in a while so I want to see how many people have visited since I have been neglecting because my numbers were getting up there and then I REALIZE that my hit counter has reset itself and then I get really upset because now I have NO idea how many people have been to my blog since I have been neglecting it.

And then I get distracted...and I visit Keri's blog and I visit Maryann's blog and then I think, oh that is a nice blog that Keri wrote...what a brilliant idea maybe I should do that and then I realize that that is stealing and can't I come up with my own idea for a blog and then I get back on Facebook just to see if anyone has commented on my photos...because that is what I do and then say to myself, "Girl, SERIOUSLY, people miss your rants and your raves and your blogging so get on and blog..."

And then LOST comes on and I have to check the comments on Facebook and the day ends and starts the way it has for weeks. (04/1/2009)

Where do you start when you don't know how to begin? How do you say it when you can't figure out what needs to be said? How do you sort out in your mind that everything is going to be okay when you are afraid that it is not? Life is so funny sometimes the way it happens. There you are minding your own business when suddenly, BOOM, the bottom falls out and you are left wondering how to pick up the pieces. I am not alone in this, in fact most of us are here but when it affects so many you wonder if it was all worth it in the end. I am hoping for understanding. I am hoping for very little resistance. I am hoping that in the end everything works out for the best. I am hoping for compassion and a deep feeling of gratitude and love. I will not be driven by fear of rejection any longer. I will not worry about hurt feelings because in the end the only person I am responsible for is me. I do not understand how we came to be here and furthermore, I do not understand why when I am having these deep and amazing thoughts the dog insists on sticking her nose in the kitchen sink for the 50th time in the last 3 minutes. Is this supposed to afford me some sort of sick comic relief? Because my stomach is still in knots and I still feel like throwing up and I am still afraid that everything will go drastically wrong. Where do you start when you don't know how to begin? Well, with the truth I suppose. (01/18/2009)

New Year...wow, where did 2008 go? This past year was a whirlwind to say the least...new dogs, new truck, new trailer, new friends...got to meet Janet Reno, Marie Wilson and Hillary Clinton...got addicted to Facebook...found some new music and found my love for some oldies but goodies...Michael Jackson "Off the Wall" anyone?

I went and did a sweat lodge on the 19th with my uncle...snot and slobber and sweating and crying...releasing 28 years of stuff is the most cathartic and remarkable experience I have ever had...it was brilliant and Lauren says I have never looked so peaceful...I feel calmer. My dad's mom died a few weeks ago and I now have tons and tons of my dad's stuff from birth until death...it is amazing...

Well, Happy New Year to all of you my dear readers, whoever you are...I hope you can find peace and tranquility in your hearts and minds...be kind to yourselves and others and don't forget to walk slowly and drink lots of water... (01/01/2009)